When It All Ended, A New Life Began
Two years ago, journaling became my lifeline. I poured my emotions onto hundreds of pages: anger, fear, hurt, despair, confusion, bewilderment, shame, brokenness and even glimpses of joy. It felt like I experienced nearly every emotion God has given us. As I wrote, my story was forever captured on those pages, and now I feel led to start sharing it, little by little. I’m not sure how much will be revealed or in what order, but today marks the beginning of that journey…
July 6th, 2022, the day after we returned from a family vacation, was the day my world completely shattered. My husband of 26 years sat me down and read a letter that unraveled everything I had ever known. In it, he declared our marriage was over—no hope, no chance, no changing his mind. Less than 24 hours later, he packed a bag and walked out the door. Just like that, he was gone.
Blindside doesn’t begin to describe it. Did we have a perfect marriage? Absolutely not. But never did I see something like this coming, I truly believed we could weather anything that came our way. He had battled addictions throughout our years together, and through it all, I stood by him. I strongly believed in the vows I took. I believed in the man he could be. Mostly I believed in us. And I loved being his wife. I was now betrayed, abandoned, and discarded by the one person who was supposed to cherish and protect me, I didn’t think I would survive.
July 6th, 2022 was the day my life became a void. Darkness swallowed everything—color, joy, meaning, purpose. For nearly three decades, I had been a wife, a mother, a homemaker. Now? My home, and the life I built, lay in ruins.
In that moment, when the weight of my brokenness felt too heavy to carry, I did the only thing I knew to do—I invited Jesus into the void. I asked Him to come and sit with me in the darkness, to hold the pain that I knew I could not, to hold me when I felt utterly alone. I simply told Him I couldn’t do this by myself. I placed before Him the shattered pieces of my heart, knowing that while I couldn’t imagine how they could ever be made whole again, He was the only one capable of holding them with care. I understood, even then, that I would never be the same, that the person I once was had been forever changed, but I also knew that Jesus was the only one who could fill my void with light, the only one that could bring joy back into my world. In that moment I surrendered it all into His capable hands.
It has been a long and hard journey since that day 2 ½ years ago, piece by piece Jesus has put me back together. I still have cracks, and I still find missing pieces that have not been put back yet, and there are corners of my void that still exist. Sometimes I still sit in darkness, my world still feels like a void at times. But I also know I will find Jesus sitting there waiting for me. He has helped me create a life in which I find contentment and joy, a life that has new purpose, and a life where I am rediscovering my identity, truly discovering who He created me to be.
Today, my life looks nothing like it did on July 5th, 2022, the day before my world became a void. The landscape has changed entirely, shaped by tremendous loss but also by grace, by deep sorrow but also by joy. I am a Cookie (grandma) now, a title that fills my heart in ways I never expected. I have a career I love, a purpose that fuels me, and the privilege of coaching and encouraging women as they step into their own healing and strength. I have traveled to places I never dreamed of seeing, built friendships that fill my world with laughter, and found a renewed sense of who I am—who I was always created to be.
This life is different. It is not without challenges, and the road has not been easy. But it is good. It is full. And most of all, it is held in the hands of the Jesus who has been with me through it all.
